Infant and pregnancy loss is very common, everyone knows someone who has lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. It is a tragic experience for anyone.
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In November 2020, 10 in every 1000 births were stillbirths or neonatal birth according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. The rate of miscarriages is much higher. Miscarriage Australia reports at least 15 per cent of confirmed pregnancies miscarry.
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No matter what the situation, this loss is tragic for most. As a friend or relative it's easy to feel helpless. Macquarie Health Collective CEO and psychologist, Tanya Forster has some advice for those trying to support parents who are grieving pregnancy or infant loss.
Mrs Forster has supported many friends and family members through loss personally, as well as professionally through her psychology practice.
"Your friend is likely to be going through a really challenging time, and your support alongside them may mean the world to them," she said.
Here's what Mrs Forster recommends.
- Understand the grief from their perspective, and know that everyone grieves differently. Bereaved parents can experience a wide range of emotions, and there is no one size fits all - everyone is different. Understand how that person feels, and support them in the way they need.
- Say their baby's name. Treating the baby as a real person is important because guess what - they are a real person! You are honouring the baby's memory when you use the baby's name when talking to the parents and most bereaved parents appreciate other people referring to their baby. If a name had not been chosen, you may be able to use a nickname they used, which could also mean a lot to them. It is important to note that we should be sensitive to a friend's wish to talk about or not talk about their child. Everyone is different.
- Acknowledge their motherhood/fatherhood. If they have lost their only child, no matter what stage of pregnancy or infancy, it is important that you acknowledge they are still a mum. If they have living children, the pain will still remain for them. You can acknowledge that they have more children in their heart than in their arms.
- Honour the events. Events such as birthdays, the anniversary of their child's death, Christmas, Mother's Day, and Father's Day can be emotional days. Honour these occasions and be there.
- Don't try to fix them. You can't. Just be there. Grief for a child is not something you can fix. It does not go away. The grief may evolve over time, but this loss will be with this person, as part of their story, forever. Instead, simply be. Validate their feelings, and let them know you are there, however they need, for as long as they require.
- Don't assume. Do not assume you know how they feel or what they need. Ask! Your friend may actually appreciate the invitation to the event. Let her decide! Are you unsure how your friend feels being around your own children, especially if they are a similar age to her baby? Ask her! Remember this might change too. Just because it was a no at one stage, doesn't mean it won't change later.
- Just be. Climb down into the pit that mum is in and just be with her. You don't have to worry about having the perfect thing to say. The reality is that there is no perfect thing to say. Nothing will fix this. Simply being with this friend could be far more powerful than anything you could ever say. If she wants to be at home in her PJs, be there with her. If she feels like getting out, take her for a drive. If you can't be there in person, you can still reach out. Message her. Call her. Have a virtual cuppa. Whatever she needs. Just be there.
- Remind her. More than anything, let her know how much you love her, are there for her, and that she is not alone. Over and over.
- Check in and keep checking in. Grief does not end at the funeral, or even in the first weeks or months. People often talk about how hard it is over time, when the support starts to dwindle. Check in and keep checking in.
- Offer specific help. Statements such as "let me know if there is anything I can do" while well intended, don't often lead to the person taking us up on our offer. Make the person a meal or put some in their freezer. Offer to help with some of their chores such as housework or groceries. Offer to help with their other children, but be guided by them as to whether this is something they want or not.
- Remember the Dads. Check in with your friend's partner. Show you are there for them too. Much of what I have written refers to mothers, but it is certainly intended for all parents. Be there.
- What not to do. Please don't avoid them. Please do not cross the street because you don't know what to say. Please do not be so afraid of saying the wrong thing that you say nothing and stay away. There is no magic statement that will fix this, so just be there.
- Support. If your friend would like support, there are so many services available. They do not have to go through this alone. Examples include Red Nose, The Perinatal Loss Centre, Sands, Bears of Hope, and Dubbo's very own The Baby Loss Mentor. There are many Psychologists and Counsellors who practice in this space that are doing really incredible work. If in doubt, a great place to start is your GP.
- Did I mention just be there and keep checking in?
You can get more wisdom from Tanya Forster or content like this by signing up to The Catch-Up newsletter.
Grace Ryan
Deputy Editor at the Central Western Daily, Orange. You'll mostly find me tinkering in social media and newsletters. Working hard to get our stories in front of your eyes.
Deputy Editor at the Central Western Daily, Orange. You'll mostly find me tinkering in social media and newsletters. Working hard to get our stories in front of your eyes.
